Terrorists Ltd. presents Expendables 2

I think I will get complaints from terrorists around the world for such a comparison. Yet, after they watch it they will thank me for giving them that much credit! This motion (I can’t bring myself to call it motion-picture) makes solitary confinement sound like a rewarding Tibetan spiritual experience.

 

It was a sad day in movie history when Sly decided to make the first expendables. It was downright cruel to do a sequel. (I hear that a 3^rd one is on the way! To come full circle, Steven Seagal is probably going to star in it; the horror!)

 

Con:

Sly, with only two ‘motions’ was able to collectively ruin, with great success, whatever legacy each of these actors had.

 

Pro:
Thanks to Sly, now we don’t have to painfully see each one of them individually, in separate flicks, ruin their own legacy. Way to go Sly – ingenious.

 

Con:

To say the story is formulaic is to insult math. To even claim it’s a story is even worse than Powell’s claim to the presence of WMD in Iraq.

 

Pro:
Thanks to this ‘motion’, the next flick that any of the participating actors appear in will look Shakespearean.

 

 

Con:

The screenplay is so flat, and with such actors delivering it, it gets really flat – 1D flat. They all sound like the automated phone lady: “To reach Norris, dial one, to reach Arnie, dial two… to kill yourself, just keep watching”

Pro:

The screenplay, meant for action, is so ridiculous and painful that you start laughing. It’s the kind of laughter that happens when someone says a joke, you don’t get it, but everybody’s laughing; so, you laugh. You laugh at the tragedy happening on the screen; you laugh at yourself for watching it; you laugh to justify to your younger friend, whom you dragged along to the theater, why you’re watching it.

 

Con:

Chuck Norris made a comeback to the movie industry; need I say more.

Pro:

Chuck Norris tells a Chuck Norris fact – Surreal, priceless, colossal…

 

The list goes on, but with more cons than pros; actually, just cons.
There is not even a damsel in distress. There is just avenging a guy who dies at the beginning (spoiler alert... not). The direction is pretty much by the book with no flashy camera movements. There was probably no need for a musical score so that the viewers would focus more on the rich dialogue...

It is just sad that the union of these action stars came a little too late (twenty years late!) and in such a pitiful fashion.

Sly, formerly known as Rocky; now with all the Botox, categorized as just rock… (Van) damn you for purposely terminating your legacy (and theirs), I hope you die hard. Okay, I admit that’s a bit overboard, but don’t you even try to approach Mr. T, Harrison Ford, or Jackie Chan for the third installment. Should you discard this threat, this is my prediction: pain; because I will whip your butt with the millennium falcon after I personally (no stunt double) swim two oceans, jump over your electrified fence, and break into your house to grab a hold of you. 

 

P.S.: Mr. T, Harrison Ford & Jackie Chan are the only 80s action stars who haven’t turned to the dark side yet.

 

 

 

Word of advice: exercise extreme caution while entering the theater to watch this. Enter at your own peril; the moviemakers, theater owners, movie critics are not responsible for any items lost - like your sanity.